Tuesday 31 December 2013

I get to Live

My last post was in July. It's now the tippy-tail end of December... When did that happen!?

I suppose, in the smudge of my life that has been the past 5 months, I have been a little too busy to have given my blog a thought... I've moved house (again, I know), adopted a beautiful pain-in-the-ass puppy who I love death, taken on & tried a whole new range of things & had a smaller but still hugely intense breakdown.

Almost this time last year, I wrote a blog. It was inspired by the fact that I simply made it through 2012 & in doing so, I had hope that 2013 would be different for me.
It was & it wasn't - I was sometimes swimming in Lemonade & other times puckering on the sour, seemingly endless taste of pure Lemon...

With all that I have learnt in the past 12 months (that seems more like an entire decade) I can simply say this - 2014 is mine.

There are a whole lot of things that happen every day, every month, every year that will get me down, and sometimes crush every desire I have to simply keep going.
I'm certainly not immune to them - just this past Christmas Day I had a wonderful little anxiety attack, no trigger that I could recall, I just couldn't stop moving my hands & felt constantly uncomfortable.
I went to take a relaxant and found I had none in my bag - then the REAL panic started. What if it didn't stop?
Big sister to the rescue with some natural herbal drops that done all that I needed them to do - took the edge off so I could focus.

So I'm sure you're thinking it: This late in the game & I'm having panic attacks over seemingly nothing, yet I'm optimistic about the New Year that is now only hours upon us?

Hell Yes.

So what's different?

It has taken me almost 5 years to come to full terms with my depression & anxiety... but now that I know it's there & know how to control it (mostly), I have more strength & determination than I could ever have hoped for.

I'm going to slip back. A new number on a year won't change that, but the me that has gotten through the 2012 from the depths of hell, to a not much better 2013, has a new coat of armor, ready to take whatever 2014 has to throw at me.

At the moment it is already shaping up to be a better year & a start to something really new & fresh. Something I haven't had for the start of a New Year before.

Hence this post - I am happy. Plus... I have a few very special things to look forward to:

  • Unless my sister has an extremely quick & easy labour in the next 4 hours - I will become an Aunt to my 6th beautiful little niece within the next week.
  • I will see my first overseas plane trip, finally see snow & get to spend that special experience with my Mum.
Among these very special life events, I will do much much more. I will drive with the windows down. Sing at the top of my lungs. Get sandy feet at the beach. Lose myself in a new book. I'll smell the fresh cut of the grass when I mow the lawn. I will go out with my friends, confide in & listen to everything they have to say. I'll watch Nelson, my favourite furchild, wag his tail madly when I get home from work. I will watch my other 5 nieces, 6 nephews & 1 step-nephew grow & change. I will get to see my sisters & brothers, talk to them, laugh with them, cry with them. I will get to enjoy & spoil my Mum as much as I can. I will get to live every day of my life as best as I can. I am truly blessed.

To all of my family & friends. I love you more than I can put into words. I hope the new year brings you all everything you wish for. I hope that you can make it yours & live every single day just as you want.

Happy New Year

Monday 8 July 2013

Sometimes it's as simple as Milo Cookies...

I was depressed today. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I've been in & out of depression going on 4 years now. Extreme highs & dangerous lows with constant anxiety nipping at my heels.

This is okay. I don't blog to relieve my problems, I blog when I am inspired. So please, read on.

I just spent a lovely weekend in Pottsville, seeing my nieces, nephews, pregnant sister & newest brother-in-law. Their amazing beach house was filled with big belly laughs, constant chatter & a feeling of life.
On the way there it was freeing to be driving with the windows down, singing at the top of my lungs (partly to drown out the horrific crackle of my very worn-out speakers).
Walking along the beach, greeting passers by & feeling pure happiness just watching the other beach-goers enjoy some simple pleasures - horse-riding, fishing, playing fetch with their dogs. I could have spent eternity on that beach.

It wasn't until I got home, exhausted & sunburt, I crashed out on my couch. Waking up from a dreamless sleep I found my self in the dark, alone with anxiety creeping through the cracks. It's not the first time & I'm sure it won't be the last. I made myself hot drinks, chatted to my friends & got through until I found sleep again.

Suddenly, it was time to get ready for work. But this time my sleep hadn't been without dreams & they were not pleasant.
My dreams have always been pretty intense, keeping me awake through the night for months at a time. They increase my anxiety on a regular basis but since getting my new dream-catcher I haven't been having any issues at all. Whether our old friends the Indians were onto something or simply by the power of my mind, it had worked for a while. Not today. The dreams had me overcome with panic.
Waking up & remembering a dream is one thing, waking up amid one already lost in tears & fear is another.

My panicked crying is a pretty shoddy sight to be had, I'm sure. I can barely breathe, there is no control or level of dignity. I tried to shake it off, get up & move on. No dice. Shamefully I didn't have the willpower or the care. I gave up. I stayed that way until 11:30 in the morning. It took me all those hours to find a way out of bed. I numbly went about doing housework, trying to make some use of myself, hoping I'd feel better.
A load of washing. A load of dishes. Couch. More tears, more fear, complete helplessness. I talked to a friend. I felt no better. Into a hot shower with a bottle of wine I went.

It's hard to admit that I gave in. I never want to feel the low. It's unimaginably horrible. But after all these years I know I am the only one who can fight back. No matter how much support, no matter how many times I fall, I am the only one who can truly help myself. All of you out there who know it will understand. Depression is not something we choose. It's certainly not something we want to feel. It's suffocating, all consuming & sometimes although we fight, it wins us over for a time.

Today it won.
Tonight it will not.

With nothing but a chuppa-chup & half a cup of warm Milo in my belly all day, I knew the depression was starting to slip away when I suddenly felt hungry. Problem: I have just about nothing to eat in my house at the moment. No milk, bread or eggs... no, you know, food. The nearest food was at the servo. Sorry, I refuse to pay triple the price for grocery items nor go out in to the cold for them.

Digging time. Butter. Flour. Sugar... Milo:  Inspiration.

I don't measure when I cook anymore. I'm a 'roundabout that much' kinda lass. Consistency & taste tests are the best. So sorry guys, no recipe for this.

And here you have them... Milo Cookies. My most yummy spur-of-the-moment creation yet.
One of the smallest things to happen in my day yet the biggest combatant of my disabling depression.

So hold on all of you out there who feel it too. You're not alone & you're certainly not doing anything wrong. When it gets too much, the answer can be something as simple as Milo Cookies...