Tuesday, 31 December 2013

I get to Live

My last post was in July. It's now the tippy-tail end of December... When did that happen!?

I suppose, in the smudge of my life that has been the past 5 months, I have been a little too busy to have given my blog a thought... I've moved house (again, I know), adopted a beautiful pain-in-the-ass puppy who I love death, taken on & tried a whole new range of things & had a smaller but still hugely intense breakdown.

Almost this time last year, I wrote a blog. It was inspired by the fact that I simply made it through 2012 & in doing so, I had hope that 2013 would be different for me.
It was & it wasn't - I was sometimes swimming in Lemonade & other times puckering on the sour, seemingly endless taste of pure Lemon...

With all that I have learnt in the past 12 months (that seems more like an entire decade) I can simply say this - 2014 is mine.

There are a whole lot of things that happen every day, every month, every year that will get me down, and sometimes crush every desire I have to simply keep going.
I'm certainly not immune to them - just this past Christmas Day I had a wonderful little anxiety attack, no trigger that I could recall, I just couldn't stop moving my hands & felt constantly uncomfortable.
I went to take a relaxant and found I had none in my bag - then the REAL panic started. What if it didn't stop?
Big sister to the rescue with some natural herbal drops that done all that I needed them to do - took the edge off so I could focus.

So I'm sure you're thinking it: This late in the game & I'm having panic attacks over seemingly nothing, yet I'm optimistic about the New Year that is now only hours upon us?

Hell Yes.

So what's different?

It has taken me almost 5 years to come to full terms with my depression & anxiety... but now that I know it's there & know how to control it (mostly), I have more strength & determination than I could ever have hoped for.

I'm going to slip back. A new number on a year won't change that, but the me that has gotten through the 2012 from the depths of hell, to a not much better 2013, has a new coat of armor, ready to take whatever 2014 has to throw at me.

At the moment it is already shaping up to be a better year & a start to something really new & fresh. Something I haven't had for the start of a New Year before.

Hence this post - I am happy. Plus... I have a few very special things to look forward to:

  • Unless my sister has an extremely quick & easy labour in the next 4 hours - I will become an Aunt to my 6th beautiful little niece within the next week.
  • I will see my first overseas plane trip, finally see snow & get to spend that special experience with my Mum.
  • I will see my longest friend, of 18 + years now, walk down the aisle & marry the man of her dreams. I will be privileged enough to watch from the perspective of a bridesmaid.
Among these 3 very special, very big life events, I will do much much more. I will drive with the windows down. Sing at the top of my lungs. Get sandy feet at the beach. Lose myself in a new book. I'll smell the fresh cut of the grass when I mow the lawn. I will go out with my friends, confide in & listen to everything they have to say. I'll watch Nelson, my favourite furchild, wag his tail madly when I get home from work. I will watch my other 5 nieces, 6 nephews & 1 step-nephew grow & change. I will get to see my sisters & brothers, talk to them, laugh with them, cry with them. I will get to enjoy & spoil my Mum as much as I can. I will get to live every day of my life as best as I can. I am truly blessed.

To all of my family & friends. I love you more than I can put into words. I hope the new year brings you all everything you wish for. I hope that you can make it yours & live every single day just as you want.

Happy New Year
xo