Yesterday while doing the dishes, I made a call. I put the phone on loud speaker & scrubbed at the coffee stain inside one of our cute little owl mugs. I held my breath as the ringing began & sighed when the message bank picked up. By my count that was the 10th time in 4 months - although I think there might be more that my baby-brain missed. With a tight throat & tears threatening to spill over, I left a message. Again.
I decided then that I had to stop. It absolutely killed me but the constant revolving door of hoping, trying & being shattered was killing me even more. The times I have been able to get in touch over the past few years have been met with mixed responses – sometimes warmth, mostly distant conversation & sometimes rudeness. I was never sure what I was going to get, but I always kept trying. When I think about it logically, without the emotion attached it makes sense to put aside the people who are hurting you & not look back. Family members, people I have considered family & friends who I thought worth my while have played the same actions, slowly drifting away or cutting ties without even a hint of why… that hurts. When some of the very few people I let have the privilege of attending our wedding don’t even tell you they won’t come, when my first child is born & I send a message to a bunch of people & had genuine responses from everyone except the two I wanted to hear from the most… When it’s a sibling that’s breaking your heart, for what seems like no reason at all… it cuts pretty deep.
For someone like me, who needs closure - to understand just what the hell happened on their end & get a chance to say my peace – it’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My door will always be open if said people ever needed or wanted me in their life, I’m just built that way. I am close to many, many people who have hurt me & I have hurt also, some because trying to hold the grudge is completely pointless & being friends is a healthy choice, some because no matter what, you fix what’s broken & get a stronger bond for it; all of them because no matter how crazy busy & vastly different our lives are, no matter how much time passes, a random message/call/coffee date is never too hard.
For all of the people who are in my life, all of the different relationships I have with all of you - from those in my day-to-day to those I never get to see but love just as much, those I simply have a deep respect for because of the person they are, I am so thankful. I love all of you in different ways & you bring joy to my life, a lot of you without even knowing it. I have decided to put my energy here from now on & not chase ghosts. Here’s to the people that give us the most precious gift – their time, their energy, themselves. You guys rock.