Saturday, 29 April 2017

Mess is mine

When people talk to me about my Husband I tell them he “goes alright”. When they find out that he halves the house & baby duties with me, often times tipping the scale on his side, they are visibly in awe; but I play that one down too – “So he should! I work just as much as he does.”

A fortnight or so ago, someone told me we were “perfect” & likened us to a fairy tale. I didn’t laugh directly in their face but I certainly had an internal chuckle. It did get me thinking though.

The first year or so nearly killed us both. We were two entirely different extremes; Jacob was the easy going good guy who had learnt to lie his way around tough relationship situations just to keep the peace. I was the high strung, emotional crazy wench with serious depression & anxiety issues. So, lies were told, trust issues ensued. Fights were so often sometimes I wonder if we had a break between them. Words were said, things were done. It was ugly. There were so many times we both had the mind to walk away. Was it worth all of this?
And that’s when the fairy tale comes in. There was no evil witch, no fire-breathing dragon. We were our own villains. But we worked so unbelievably hard at us. We talked. We cried. We screamed. We went to therapists. We talked again & again & again. Jake learnt not to lie to cover up his mistakes. I learnt to let go of things & found a proper balance to control my anxiety & depression. We slowly but surely overcame the horrible parts of our tale & suddenly it was clear skies. 
We decided to get married. Then we decided to make a tiny human. Through all of that, I can assure you, it has not been “perfect”. My Husband still makes big mistakes, like packing a bag to leave the night we found out we were pregnant… Or calling me the morning of our wedding to say he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married that day. I love the timing of his meltdowns. Speaking of meltdowns, mine are still quite often – more so over spilling formula & not getting all of the washing done. A “fight” is a big thing for us, almost something to mark on the calendar they are so rare. We know how to talk to each other & we know how to help each other. All thanks to that one year of hell.

What set these thoughts to paper was a song. A song I had heard so many times before but never thought of in any relation to my life – until now. Not supposed to be a love song but the words ring with so much meaning, they sound so much like our fairy tale. Relationships are always messy so find someone to share the mess with.

‘Mess is Mine’ – Vance Joy

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Insatiably Content

I know, it's an oxymoron isn't it? Currently, it is all that is me.

Never in my life have I had a lust, thirst, desire for MORE. Always there have been standards & goals but never really a need for more than what I had or what I could achieve. Maybe it's becoming a mother or maybe it's just hitting the back end of my 20's, but things have changed for me as of late.

Previously I sat in my dead-end job content with the fact that I was earning enough to live a happy life. Now I am starting to get fidgety. I'm good at my job but I can do more & suddenly I am starting to want that. Being unappreciated for the quality of work you put out is damaging. Slowly but surely it makes you think you are just doing a mediocre job instead of a bloody outstanding job. It's draining & unfulfilling. I want something more.

Photography is something I love but I haven't put my all behind it for a long, long time. I found a lot of people terribly hard to work with. I'm a candid lover & the posing was hard for me to swallow at every shoot. Not to mention the Bridezillas (especially the ones that didn't pay up after you drove for 2 hours to do their beach wedding). My camera is OLD. It's heavy & although the shots are still lovely I have found a new camera that I have fallen oh so in love with. It does everything I need it to do at a third of the weight & size... I want that camera & I want to take photos; of things, places, people & especially moments.

Funnily enough since giving birth I have become content with my body. I don't loath myself like I used to. I have packed on a good 10kg in the past 7 months; all due to emotional eating & simply making bad choices. Though I'm not stressed about the way my body looks, I want to feel healthier. I feel slow & tired. I want to wake up with more energy & I want to be able to RUN without gasping for air. I want to be fit & healthy. There's also a gorgeous pair of jeans in the bottom of my drawer begging to be worn this winter...

Travelling has always been a plan for later. Now it is a stirring beast that is so unsatisfied. Camel rides in Egypt, skiing in Japan, a New York hot dog from a corner stand are just a few of a million things I want to experience. Wanderlust - it's gnawing at me.

And yet, I have enough.

If I stay in the dead end job, if I never get another camera, if I never lose a kilo or board another plane - I will have a complete life void of nothing.

I come home every day to a Husband who loves me more than I could ever have hoped for. I wake up to the gurgles of a little girl who makes me whole by simply being. I call my Mum every day & hear about what she has been up to & tell her everything that has happened since I last seen her. My dogs wag their big boofy tails with insane happiness when they see me walk in - no matter what time of the day.

All of the wants & desires that may one day be a reality for me will be a bonus on top of an absolutely imperfectly perfect life. Happily I will remain insatiably content.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Resolutions to Last

A few weeks ago Hubby & I were discussing the upcoming end of the year. Jake believes that New Years Resolutions are silly & that if people need or want to change things they shouldn’t wait for a new year to do it but start working on it straight away. He has a point, of course. I on the other hand LOVE the idea of New Years Resolutions. For me the ticking over to 12:00am - although not ‘celebrated’ (usually pumping out the z’s well & truly before midnight) - brings hope & excitement. The first day of the first month of a brand new year sings opportunity to me. A fresh start. Another round of birthdays, Easter, Christmas & everything in between. Another 365 days with the knowledge & insight gained from all of the years past; but as is true every year that ticks over, I will have an extra 12 months of wisdom & ideas to guide me. An entire years worth of failures, triumphs, heartaches & joys that I did not have at the beginning of any new year before.

In saying all of this 2017 started in a way that I would never have deemed appropriate of being exciting, hopeful or happy. I woke up on the 1st of January in a 2-star Motel Room with nothing but Milo for breakfast & heading to my in-laws for a get together that would last most of the day. My in-laws aren’t big fans of me, or I them. It was a long day & came out the other side anxious & itching to be home. The support & love I am always surrounded with when I feel downtrodden was on the other end of a 12 hour drive. So instead of waiting until the early hours of the morning to take off, I asked hubby would he very much mind getting his ass in the car - right that instant. He didn’t miss a beat. Packing like we would win a prize if we were faster, we hit the road north at 4:30pm Queensland time.

Through the hours of driving in the rainy darkness I had so much time to think. Between stopping to change shitty nappies & refuel (ourselves & the car) it occurred to me that I still hadn’t made any promises to myself for the year ahead. I contemplated. Lose weight – obviously. Get ahead financially – another obvious one. I went through a few until it occurred to me that each New Years we make resolutions to force ourselves to do the things we hate or that are hard to do. Diet. Exercise. Saving. For me, all of these things come & go. Sometimes we scrooge our way through the months & other times it’s 2-minute noodles for tea & no new razors. Some days I do all things health & fitness. Other days I eat copious amounts of carbs & sugar & nestle myself into the couch so good I need a hand getting up. So no, this year I couldn’t bring myself to decide I wasn’t allowed to eat badly or splurge on the next Lego sale. I knew none of that shit would stick, it never does. I will happily ebb & flow on these.

Then I wondered what actually made my happy. So many things; good books and movies, bubble baths & tattoos, good music & dancing, gardening & baking, taking photos & writing. Little tiny day to day things. Things I have not let into my life quite enough because I have spent so much time deciding to be pro weight-loss & financial gain. I decided to make sure I filled my days with all of these little joys. I also realised that what made me that absolute happiest was my people. My family & friends. Not just them though. Yeah, they go alright, I love them to absolute bits & they of course light up my life but what really makes me swell with excitement, joy & contentment is seeing them happy.

And so my Twenty Seventeen truly begins – and the decision to make myself & everyone in my life as happy as possible. To simply enjoy. I think this one might stick & might be the resolution that lives on into each year.

Happy New Year to all. I hope your days & months fill with everything you hope for to make an amazing year.