Thursday, 9 March 2017
I know, it's an oxymoron isn't it? Currently, it is all that is me.
Never in my life have I had a lust, thirst, desire for MORE. Always there have been standards & goals but never really a need for more than what I had or what I could achieve. Maybe it's becoming a mother or maybe it's just hitting the back end of my 20's, but things have changed for me as of late.
Previously I sat in my dead-end job content with the fact that I was earning enough to live a happy life. Now I am starting to get fidgety. I'm good at my job but I can do more & suddenly I am starting to want that. Being unappreciated for the quality of work you put out is damaging. Slowly but surely it makes you think you are just doing a mediocre job instead of a bloody outstanding job. It's draining & unfulfilling. I want something more.
Photography is something I love but I haven't put my all behind it for a long, long time. I found a lot of people terribly hard to work with. I'm a candid lover & the posing was hard for me to swallow at every shoot. Not to mention the Bridezillas (especially the ones that didn't pay up after you drove for 2 hours to do their beach wedding). My camera is OLD. It's heavy & although the shots are still lovely I have found a new camera that I have fallen oh so in love with. It does everything I need it to do at a third of the weight & size... I want that camera & I want to take photos; of things, places, people & especially moments.
Funnily enough since giving birth I have become content with my body. I don't loath myself like I used to. I have packed on a good 10kg in the past 7 months; all due to emotional eating & simply making bad choices. Though I'm not stressed about the way my body looks, I want to feel healthier. I feel slow & tired. I want to wake up with more energy & I want to be able to RUN without gasping for air. I want to be fit & healthy. There's also a gorgeous pair of jeans in the bottom of my drawer begging to be worn this winter...
Travelling has always been a plan for later. Now it is a stirring beast that is so unsatisfied. Camel rides in Egypt, skiing in Japan, a New York hot dog from a corner stand are just a few of a million things I want to experience. Wanderlust - it's gnawing at me.
And yet, I have enough.
If I stay in the dead end job, if I never get another camera, if I never lose a kilo or board another plane - I will have a complete life void of nothing.
I come home every day to a Husband who loves me more than I could ever have hoped for. I wake up to the gurgles of a little girl who makes me whole by simply being. I call my Mum every day & hear about what she has been up to & tell her everything that has happened since I last seen her. My dogs wag their big boofy tails with insane happiness when they see me walk in - no matter what time of the day.
All of the wants & desires that may one day be a reality for me will be a bonus on top of an absolutely imperfectly perfect life. Happily I will remain insatiably content.